Brushing eyes, combing toenails, flossing knees, and buying butts at the supermarket.
Twelv Things We Learned at Super Bowl XLVIII
1. When you look good, you play good. The Seattle Seahawks dominated Super Bowl XLVIII in a lopsided 43-8 win over the Denver Broncos. In addition to lifting the Lombardi Trophy, the sweethearts of the Emerald City should also get an award for having the sharpest looking uniforms in the NFL. Sporting semi-opaque gull wing patterns on their helmets, and sleek silver, blue and lime-green accents on their jerseys, the Hawks came dressed to impress.
2. Broadway Joe still loves the spotlight. Known for attracting plenty of attention in his playing days for the New York J-E-T-S Jets, “Broadway Joe” Namath walked to center field for the opening coin flip donning a fur coat that should only be worn if you’re a Russian Oligarch or in a Macklemore music video. This was a look that he sported even in his prime, and hey, when you win New York a Super Bowl (SB III), you can pretty much do whatever you want.
3. Bruno Mars is no Queen B—but he definitely still killed it. Bruno Mars silenced any haters after his halftime performance at Super Bowl XLVIII. His drum solo, his jiggy dance into a James Brown-like split, which was then followed by a tribute to the Red Hot Chili Peppers who took the stage bare-chested…Mars took it sky high. Mars and his crew stood out in their retro, slim fitting custom made Saint Laurent Jackets. The gold lame blazers and skinny ties amplified what was already a spot on, old-fashioned performance.
4. Franco sold out for Ford Fusion? The outcry from PETA on seeing Joe Namath’s six-wolf carcass coat probably paled in comparison to the disgust of Williamsburg’s arty denizens on seeing Franco trying to play off poor taste as something “new” and “experimental” with his assertion that “this has never been done in the history of commercials.” No, Franco.
5. Tebow not quite selling out. Tebow being able to tell America that he’s fit for just about any job in the world except for playing professional football was as honest as it was hilarious. I’m sure the ladies were fans of the former football star walking out of a burning building with two puppies under his loaded arms as well.
6. Maybe Eli Manning should have played instead of Peyton. Just kidding (though it may shock many of football’s faithful that Eli, with his incredibly deadpan resting face, has won two Super Bowl MVPs, while his studly big bro can only claim one).
7. Hillary Clinton is a Twitter star. Not only does Hillary watch football, but she knows how to send a tweet that bites. “It’s so much more fun to watch FOX when it’s someone else being blitzed & sacked! #SuperBowl”.
8. No Daddy. GoDaddy.com gave up their usual approach to advertising (double-Ds and celebrities) for a woman who quit her job on national TV and steroid soaked men looking for spay tans. They got out sexed by a Greek yogurt commercial. Weak performance, GoDaddy.
9. The silver Super Bowl puffer jackets were hot. Too hot for the nearly 50° weather in New Jersey. Probably explains why almost no one wore them.
10. Bob Dylan must have bills to pay. One of our history’s most idolized songwriters laid it on heavy in the first line of his two-minute Chrysler commercial, “There’s nothing more American than America.” I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that maybe I’m just too sober to understand the deeper meaning of that statement.
11. Beckham gets naked. He definitely wasn’t as ripped as Matthew Terry was in last year’s Calvin Klein Super Bowl commercial, but he’s David Beckham so he can lose definition and still win hearts. I was rooting for Emily Ratajkowski to put out a competing underwear commercial, instead she decided to attend the game with Hugh Jackman. No, it’s fine, I’m not jealous.
12. Maybe more people should have watched the Puppy Bowl. As a Seattle native, it was pure pleasure to watch the Seahawks thoroughly dismantle Denver. However other more objective observers may have watched the lop-sided match with a bit of the old ennui. Those who were tired of the football game should have flipped the channel to the Animal Planet Puppy Bowl. Highlights included penguin cheerleaders, Loren the puppy providing a four-touchdown performance, a kitten parachuting onto the field at halftime, a tweeting (as in Twitter) parakeet, and a “barking lot” full of “tailgating” pups. There was even a power outage that was revived by hamsters on spinning wheels. Oh, and one final note, all the puppies were up for adopt.
By Andy Bennett